How to tell your date about your therapist?

When you meet someone new, it’s only natural to show the best version of yourself. As you get to know each other better, it’s natural that you get to know each other better and deeper, maybe subjects that are more difficult to talk about, come up. But how do you proceed dating someone when you have a therapist and you feel ashamed about it? When is the right time to tell your date, and how do you bring the news? In this article, I will explain the why, when, and how of telling your date about your therapist. I’ll answer the following questions:

Why should you tell your date about your therapist?
When do you tell your date about your therapist?
How do you tell your date about your therapy?
What do you do when your date responds unexpectedly or negatively?

Why: why should you tell your date?

Therapy is very personal, and so are the reasons why you might want or need therapy. There’s no reason to be ashamed about it, but many people are understandably guarded about telling others about their therapist. You don’t want to share a piece of information with a virtual stranger, or someone who you don’t fully trust with it.

When you’re dating someone, it’s understandably more difficult to show that person your more vulnerable side. The beginning stages of dating are all about showing the best version of yourself, from your dating profile to first-date conversations. You don’t want to air out all your dirty laundry on an early date, but when you get to know someone better, it’s important to get to know the real you. The real version of you. Just like you want to get to know the real version of them.

In my opinion, there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding therapy. More and more people have a therapist or have had therapy in the past. It doesn’t have to be something negative, it can also show that you’re willing to work on yourself and aren’t blind to your shortcomings. Therapy can be greatly beneficial to your mental health and it is not a dirty secret.

When: when do you tell your date?

It all depends on when you’re comfortable telling someone. For obvious reasons, it’s best to wait a bit longer than the first date, but other than that it’s up to you. I had the following standards:

It is personal information that I don’t share with acquaintances, only with people close to me.
I’m not keeping it a secret.

What does that practically mean? It means that whenever it comes up, I will respond honestly, but only share the amount of information I’m comfortable with. On the other hand, it means that I won’t tell someone that I haven’t discussed deeper, personal topics with. Usually, those topics don’t come up within the first few dates.

When you’ve been dating the same person for a longer amount of time, and you both start to talk more about personal subjects, you may find it an appropriate time to mention your therapy. In my experience, this may not be earlier than the fourth or fifth date, but it’s most important that it feels comfortable to you.

How: how do you tell your date?

Again, this all depends on how comfortable you are with talking about the topic. You can keep it short and brief, for example: “Thursday I have an appointment with my therapist. I’m seeing a therapist because I went through a difficult period in my life. It helped me a lot.”

Your date may want to ask you questions about your therapy. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to say anything that you’re uncomfortable with. Your date can ask their questions, but you are not obliged to answer.

Questions you might be uncomfortable with answering, or topics you might not want to expand on, are for example:

How long you’ve been seeing your therapist
What made you decide to see a therapist
What did you specifically talk about with your therapist/what did you discuss the last time you saw them?
Etcetera.

It can be helpful to think beforehand about what you want to share about your therapy. Sometimes, it can feel important to mention the reason, because it is a large part of your family history, or because it is something that you still struggle with today and that your date will eventually find out. Or, if you’re not comfortable sharing the reason at all, you can prepare your answer to any questions that might follow. It isn’t a necessity at all, but it can clear your mind and ease your nerves a bit by preparing this conversation before the date.

What do I do when my date responds negatively?

It is possible that you decided to confidently tell your date, and they respond unexpectedly. Maybe they start laughing, or they start asking a lot of (in your eyes) invasive questions, or they say they don’t understand why you would need therapy.

What to do next? First of all, try to calmly explain that it’s a personal topic to you and that you don’t want to discuss it further. If they don’t stop or still seem confused or act unkind, you can always decide to end the date.

Seeing a therapist isn’t a huge stain on your dating resume, but it is part of your life. If your date doesn’t respect that simple fact, it may be a good time to evaluate the relationship so far. The right person won’t mind, and they might encourage you to go to therapy and be the best version of yourself.

In summary

Many people see a therapist and there is nothing to be ashamed about. At the same time, it is (or can be) a personal subject that you should feel comfortable sharing with someone.
Tell your date when the time feels right. You can gauge if you’re comfortable with telling them, by seeing how the conversation goes when you talk about other more personal subjects. Do you still feel safe to express your own opinion, do they listen to you?
You don’t have to tell them more about your therapy than you’re willing to share. They can have questions, but you should never feel pressured to answer all of their questions. If you want to, you can practice the conversation beforehand to be prepared.
If they respond unexpectedly or negatively, you should stand your ground. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, end the date. It’s not worth your time.

Featured image by Total Shape on Unsplash