How do I deal with dating and texting?
Texting, it’s often a struggle when you’re dating someone. How much is too much, how can you show you’re interested and don’t come across as too eager or available? It’s often a fine line between giving the other person space or seeming careless. In this article, I’ll advise you on how to handle texting when you’re dating someone.
Before the date
When you haven’t met yet, or haven’t had your first date yet, it might be tempting to continue talking through text. My advice is: don’t do it. It’s easy to create an image of someone in your head when you’ve never met that person. It’s also nice to have some starting questions saved, to break the ice: what kind of job someone does, where they’re from, etcetera. In my experience, it can be uncomfortable to immediately start with the difficult, deep-delving questions about morality, extraterrestrial life, or the death penalty. You might save yourself a potential headache by keeping these questions to yourself before you’re a few dates in with this person.
What can you do instead? Keep the initial texting short, sweet, and simple. When you’ve planned the date, try to do occasional check-ups but ideally not more than that. If you suddenly stop texting after the date is planned, the other person might wonder if you’ve lost interest. If the date is planned far in advance, it’s often nice to send a short reminder, such as: “Looking forward to lunch tomorrow!”.
Right after the first date
After the first date ends, it can often be awkward to figure out what to do next. When to text them, and should you wait for the other person or not? I think it’s always a nice gesture to thank someone for the date and ask them if they got home safely (or something like that). It doesn’t matter who paid for the date in this scenario, you both made time free to meet each other.
When is it too soon to shoot them a text? I always waited until I was home. It might be helpful to decompress a little when you’re alone. If you don’t think there will be a second date, you can also use that text to make that clear immediately and not keep your date hanging.
Before the second date
There is much gender-specific dating advice floating on the internet about which gender should ask the other gender out. I don’t believe in such strict rules. Ideally, you already talked about the next date during the first, or at least about certain hobbies you both share.
When is the best time? In my own experience, it’s fine to test the waters first. If the other person is not very receptive to your initial texts, you might know enough about their interest level and choose to not pursue them any further. If the after-date conversation goes well, you could casually mention the date plans you both discussed before.
When to do this, is another question. In line with the so-called three-day rule, I think it’s best to wait a few days before proposing a second date. You need to decide for yourself if you want to continue dating this person, and so do they. By giving it a few days, you allow yourself and the other person to make a more deliberate decision.
After any future dates
Usually, it’s easier to get into a certain texting rhythm when you’re seeing someone for multiple dates. You learn about each other’s interests, humour, and average response times. If you prefer to call sometimes or have a video chat, now is also the time to propose to do that.
If you feel like you don’t have much to say, or don’t want to spoil any future dates by talking too much through text, you can always just ask about their day. Stick to easy, short subjects and show you care by asking about their plans, their day, hobbies, etcetera. In return, you can occasionally send a picture from an activity you did alone or with others, and tell them about the highlights of your day. It doesn’t have to turn into a deep conversation, but it’s nice to keep up with each other in between dates and show the other person you haven’t forgotten about them.
Question: send the “break-up message” through text or not?
Is calling still necessary in the twenty-first century, when there’s an abundance of dating apps, messaging apps, and things like FaceTime, Zoom and other video calling services exist? In my humble opinion, the answer to that question is: it depends. In the following section, I provide my advice on how to send the “I think we should stop seeing each other” or the “break-up message”:
- You haven’t been on a date with them yet: Send it through text/or via the dating app if you haven’t exchanged phone numbers yet. Keep it short, and unmatch/delete their number.
- You have been on one date: Text them after the date or when the subject of planning a new date comes up. Don’t wait too long with this.
- You have been on two dates: It depends. Have you called them/or video-called them yet? If you haven’t, a slightly longer message than in the situations above will suffice. If you have, it would be kind to (video)call them instead of texting them the message.
- You have been on more than two dates: Call them! Don’t ask to meet them: no one likes to do their hair and dress nicely, only to be broken up with at the venue.
- You are exclusive/talked about going exclusive: If you see each other multiple times a week on (semi-)set times, you could tell them in person. Make sure that you don’t plan an activity during or do it at a restaurant. If you only see them on the weekends, you should call. In that case, don’t wait until Friday, it’ll ruin their weekend and they won’t have time to make other plans.
