5 reasons why it didn’t work out after a perfect date

So, you finally decided on a date with that cute person from a dating app, work, or school. You go out for coffee, drinks, or a walk in the park, and everything runs smoothly. The conversation flows, with no awkward silences, and plenty of gazing into each other’s eyes, and by the end of the date, you can’t wait to see them again. And then… they sent a text, it’s done. What happened? 

Reason 1: They didn’t feel physical attraction

Ouch! If you watch many dating shows as I do, this is one of the most awkward rejections someone can receive on national television. But rest assured, most people in real life won’t tell others to their face if they feel like this, and secondly, it says nothing about you.

It doesn’t mean you’re neither pretty, handsome, or beautiful. Sometimes you meet someone and although they are handsome, you don’t think anything else of it. Maybe they didn’t vibe with your voice, or they didn’t feel the urge to touch you. It happens, and often it’s difficult to explain why.

Side note: It does help when you met on a dating app, that you have recent pictures of yourself online. Of course, pictures are completely different from seeing someone in real life. Just to prevent the awkward situation that your date doesn’t recognize you when you stand in front of them, it’s best to make sure your pictures represent you well.

Reason 2: They don’t feel a spark

This one is often said after dates, as a means to soften the blow. But what does it mean? Similarly to reason 1, a “spark” can be physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual. In short, it can be anything. You may go out with someone, and the conversation flows nicely, and you look each other in the eyes, maybe you even kiss them when saying goodbye but as soon as you get home: nothing.

That doesn’t mean that you have to be in love after one date, but usually after a good date, you’re curious to find out more about someone. They triggered something inside of you, you want to see them again soon. You wonder if they’re thinking about you, what they thought of the date. Maybe you even start planning the next date a little.

This realization can take a little while. When you’re alone again, it’s easier to sort your thoughts and rethink what happened. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t enjoy the date, or they faked their interest in you. It just means that on second thought, they don’t want to continue dating you.

Reason 3: They aren’t looking for the same thing as you do

When I dated, I was very open about looking for something serious. I wasn’t interested in hookups, one-night stands, friends with benefits, or the like. For some inexplicable reason, some people agree to go out on a date with you while they aren’t looking for that same thing. Maybe they didn’t believe me, or they thought that they wanted the same thing and then later didn’t anymore.

It always stung a little when I found out they didn’t want to continue dating me because we wanted different things. I had been open about what I wanted from the start, why couldn’t they? The answer is: that most people don’t know what they want. Or what they did want to be changed, per week, per person, whatever. If you are clear on what you want, the odds are that this happens to you often as well. The upside is, that they don’t waste your time by continuing to date you when you both want different things.

Reason 4: There is another unknown, specific factor why it won’t work for them

Some people are looking for someone with very specific attributes. Maybe they have negative experiences with long-distance relationships and they don’t want to travel an hour to see you. Maybe they can’t introduce their new partner to their family if that person is not at least college-educated. Regardless if you agree with it or not, some things are unsurmountable to some people.

Important to note: Most of the time, these things have nothing to do with you. Just because someone doesn’t like that you dyed your hair a week ago, doesn’t mean that everyone will. And if they think you live too far apart, then there’s nothing you can do about that either.

Reason 5: They don’t want to date right now

This might also be an excuse, similar to the “no spark”- comment, but I’ve heard it before. What does it mean? The way I see it, dating is work. You have to make time for each other, meet regularly, be invested in a person, and want to get to know them. If you just met someone, the stakes are lower of course, but you should free up time for your date.

So what is wrong with these people? Well, maybe there’s nothing wrong with them, but they miscalculated their agenda. Maybe they realized they were too busy with other obligations and didn’t want to dedicate one evening per week to someone. Or they thought they could negotiate an on-call relationship where they could just schedule dates last minute. Maybe something drastically changed in their schedule between the evening you said your goodbyes and the morning they texted their rejection. Maybe…

Anyhow… Does it matter?

No, it doesn’t. It all comes down to: they don’t want to date you. And that’s fine. It says nothing about you or them, it just means that you two won’t work out. Especially if it’s just one date, not much is lost. You can meet someone else next weekend, next month, or next year. Who knows?

Featured image by Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash