How do you deal with a (wo)mansplaining coworker?
Suppose you’re a (young) woman. In that case, you probably have already dealt with this, when a (usually male) coworker feels the need to belittle you, explain things that you already know and overall seem to have an undeserved air of superiority when you talk to them. Many men seem allergic to the term “mansplaining” and will at any given moment, fiercely proclaim that they would never do that and then explain to you what mansplaining is (unknowingly giving a perfect demonstration). But how do you deal with mansplaining (or womansplaining, if it’s from a woman) at the workplace? In this article, I will advise you on how to deal with mansplainers.
Recognize the behaviour
First off, it’s important to recognise the behaviour. It’s not always mansplaining when a “man” explains something to you. Neither is it right always to assume everyone means well when they drone on for half an hour on something you already know. The official definition of “mansplaining is”: “the definition….”
How do you recognise mansplaining in the workplace?
- Notice how you feel. Do you feel listened to, taken seriously, and supported? Or do you feel annoyed, belittled or ridiculed? Your gut feeling can be very helpful in this but try to be careful by drawing your conclusions too early. It might also be that your coworker is a bit awkward, nervous or insecure and tries to overcompensate. Regardless, it’s important to notice how you feel during the conversation with that specific coworker.
- How do they talk to others? The term is specifically coined for “men” who talk down to “women”, although women can also belittle men or other women. Some men talk down to everyone, including other men. Often there are differences in how mansplainers talk to other men in comparison to their female coworkers. If you see a difference in how they respond to the feedback or remarks of other men in comparison to women, it’s a clear sign of who you’re dealing with.
- Pay attention to how they respond to a boundary, or a simple “no”. Mansplainers love to hear themselves talk and don’t do well when they’re told “no” or are interrupted during their monologues. When you feel the need to set a boundary (“No, you can’t talk for half an hour during a one-hour meeting with five other people)”, try to see how they react. Do they respond well and retreat, or do they act greatly annoyed, disruptive or unkind?
Say what you want to say
When you’re in a meeting with a mansplaining coworker, it can be difficult to get a word in. How do you ensure you can say what you want during the meeting?
- Be well-prepared. If you already know the agenda of the meeting, you can prepare yourself by writing down your ideas and possible solutions beforehand. That way, you don’t need time to gather your thoughts (which will immediately be filled by your coworker).
- Don’t always wait. If you’re polite, or you like to formulate your thoughts well, or you’re waiting for a natural silence, you can wait for a long time. Sometimes, it’s necessary to be very clear about the fact that you have something to say. In a digital meeting, you can raise your virtual hand or notify others you want to contribute. In a physical meeting, you can lean forward to attract attention from the people present. If all fails, you can also interrupt someone. Even mansplaining coworkers have to breathe, and you can use that millisecond pause to get a word in.
- Once you have the attention, try to speak clearly and concisely. People won’t remember your coworker monologuing for thirty minutes, but they will remember your contribution if it’s a breath of fresh air. Act confident, even if you don’t feel that way with all eyes on you, and try not to end your statement with an invisible question mark.
Don’t give them extra ammunition
When you’re in a conversation with a mansplaining coworker, it can often feel like you have to fight to get a word in. You may even feel like the other person isn’t listening to you regardless, and is only looking for openings to start talking again. If you feel like your coworker is only waiting for their turn to speak, my best piece of advice is: don’t give them anything.
For example:
- You ask the status of the work your coworker is responsible for. Your coworker goes on a long intangible rant on another work activity and doesn’t answer the question. Wait for a pause, or a breath, and repeat the question: “What is the status of that report?”. Don’t respond to what they said before, just make it very clear that you asked a specific question that requires a specific answer.
- You are explaining something to your coworker, such as a software program that they haven’t worked with before. They interrupt you and try to explain the functionality to you. Instead of responding to them, acting annoyed or shutting down, you don’t reply and simply say: “As I said, if you click here….”.
Ignore unnecessary or unkind remarks
Some mansplainers have a mean streak, unfortunately. How do you handle that?
First of all, try to notice the difference: are they a bully or just rude?
- Bullies only act that way against one person or a few people, they don’t talk down to everyone. They tend to be mean when you’re alone with them, or in other situations where there aren’t many witnesses present.
- Rude people act that way to everyone. They don’t care if they talk down or yell at others in group meetings, in an open office, etcetera. You don’t notice a difference in how they treat you or other colleagues, they lack tact with everyone.
Bullying is never okay. Contrary to popular belief, adults can and do bully each other and it’s not acceptable. If you feel that another colleague bullies you, you have every right to report it.
In some cases, though, your coworker is just mean and doesn’t differentiate between people, they just act that way to everyone. If you notice that they tend to undermine you in meetings or make mean and unnecessary remarks, your best response is to ignore it. Continue talking and steer the conversation back to what you were talking about.
For example, you’re talking about your project. Your colleague interrupts you and says: “Actually, that’s wrong, in our last meeting we decided not to add that feature…”. Stay calm, and wait for them to finish their sentence, but take back the reigns in time and continue: “In our last meeting we ultimately decided to do X…”. You don’t have to directly say “No, they are wrong”, which may trigger an argument. Just focus on the facts and redirect the attention to yourself.
Try to limit your interactions with them
If all else fails, there’s only one solution (or the lesser of evils): try to speak to that colleague as little as possible. Sometimes, there’s no avoiding that person because they work in the same team or the same project. Still, you can try to avoid one-on-one meetings as much as possible and if you encounter them in a meeting, make sure you’re prepared.
