How do you recognise you’re in a situationship?

It’s a familiar situation for many: You’ve met a great person, you have fun together, and you can’t stop talking or texting them… but you are unsure about the relationship. In this article, I will explain how you can recognise you’re in a situationship and what you can do about it if you want that to change.

Sign 1: You haven’t met anyone important in their lives

One obvious sign is that you’ve been seeing someone for a while, you have seen where they live, know what they do for work, and in their free time, you’ve hit the early milestones and then… nothing. You go on dates, have fun, and then go home alone. 

Suppose the person you’re dating doesn’t seem to want to introduce you to important people in their life. In that case, it may be a sign that they don’t want those people to know about your existence, they’re seeing multiple people, or they’re “saving” their commitment for someone they are more serious about. Of course, you shouldn’t expect to be introduced to their friends and family after the first couple of dates, but after a while, it should catch your attention if you haven’t met anyone important in their lives.

Sign 2: They refer to you as a “friend” to others

Even if they haven’t introduced you to their friends and/or family, they may still have to introduce you at unexpected moments. For example, you are on a date, and a friend or acquaintance greets your date, or they are called on their cell phone while with you and are forced to decline an invitation. Pay attention to how they refer to you, is it as their “date” or as “a friend?”. 

In my opinion, this one is unambiguous. Even if you’re in the early stages of seeing someone new, if you’re romantically interested in them, you wouldn’t call them a friend. Personally, that would kill all the attraction I had for that person if that happened. Unless they have a very good excuse, this is not acceptable.

Sign 3: You only do nighttime dates or stay indoors

When I’ve dated in the past, it occurred to me that striking a good balance between activity dates and hanging out on the couch and watching movies is crucial for dating and starting a relationship. If you find out someone’s preference on either of these, it can be a great sign to figure out what kind of relationship they’re pursuing, even if they won’t tell you out loud. Activity dates can be a lot of fun, but can also exude a mostly “friendly” vibe after a while. On the other hand, only nighttime or indoor dates can be great for getting to know someone better on many levels, but they can also feel shallow after a while. 

This doesn’t have to be a red flag immediately, but do start to wonder if you haven’t had a daytime, outdoor date in a while. If someone wants to be with you, they would want to show you off to the world. Staying inside all day, or only meeting in the evening, may be a sign that the other person isn’t very interested in progressing the relationship or showing you off. That should tell you enough about their intentions.

Sign 4: You don’t make plans together

If you’ve been dating for a while and things seem to progress well, it’s only natural that you start to make plans together. The plans you make together can be small, from planning to do an activity that you both enjoy, such as going for a hike together or having lunch at a new lunch cafe in town. Bigger plans may include planning a weekend away together or even a vacation. 

When you have been dating someone for a few months, and you don’t seem to make any plans more than a week away in the future, it may be a sign that the relationship isn’t progressing much and you’re in a situationship.

Sign 5: You never talk about each other’s feelings or the relationship

One of the most important signs is that you never talk about your feelings or about how you both feel about the relationship. It can feel very open and vulnerable to talk about how you feel or how you view the relationship, but it’s crucial to let the other person know how you feel and to see if you both agree. 

If you find that your talking topics remain shallow and don’t delve deep into your feelings, emotions or perspective on the relationship, it can be a sign that both of you aren’t really in a developing relationship. 

So… you’re stuck in a situationship. What can you do?

The first question you should ask yourself is: what do you want?

In my opinion, a situationship is always temporary. You date someone because you want to get to know them better and find out if you’re compatible for a relationship.  

• You don’t want to be in a relationship, and you don’t want to be friends. You have been keeping your distance from the other person for a reason, such as incompatibility or subconsciously feeling unsafe sharing more of yourself and your feelings.
• You want to be in a relationship, and you don’t want to be friends. You know you like the other person and want to get to know them better. 
• You don’t want to be in a relationship, but want to be friends instead. You are incompatible for one or more reasons, but you do like their company and would want to pursue a friendship in the best-case scenario. 

How to proceed from now on?

• Step 1: Talk to each other. When you know what you want, it’s important to discuss it with the other person. What do they want and what is their perspective? 
• Step 2: Make your decision. If both of you want the same thing, it’s great news! If you have a different opinion, try to stay true to yourself and don’t hesitate to break things off if it doesn’t feel right.

Featured image by Mel Lituañas on Unsplash