How to deal with unwanted advances when you’re in a relationship in 5 steps
When you’re in a happy relationship, the last thing you want is unwanted attention from others. Sometimes, people still hit on you, despite knowing that you’re not interested because you already have a partner. In this article, you will read advice on how to best avoid awkward situations and if they arise, how to deal with them.
Step 1: Be clear that you have a partner
The most straightforward way to avoid any misunderstandings, it’s best to mention that you’re in a relationship as soon as possible. Try to incorporate this statement as a natural part of the conversation, most people find it offensive or pretentious if you mention it completely out of the blue. For example, when talking about weekend plans, you could casually mention that you are going to the movies with your partner.
Some people don’t outright ask if you’re single, but ask if you live alone instead. If you do live alone, you could always mention that your partner lives nearby/farther away.
Step 2: Only mention positive things about your partner
For some people, step 1 won’t be enough to deter them. If you’re an open person or talk easily, you might accidentally mention a recent misunderstanding you had with your partner or small character differences between the two of you. Try to avoid mentioning any negative or less positive aspects of your partner, and try to stick to just purely positive statements.
Opportunistic people might think that your relationship is on rocky ground and they might have a chance with you. It’s easier to prevent this situation altogether by only talking positively about your partner. Just to stay on the safe side, also avoid any (semi-)neutral statements such as “he likes marathons, I hate running”.
Step 3: Avoid (too many) one-on-one talks
Sometimes one-on-one conversations are inevitable, but as a rule, it’s best to avoid these moments as much as possible. It’s hopefully not necessary to avoid this person at all costs, but try to keep your private conversations to a minimum. Keep the intimacy level low, only stick to chitchat and, if applicable, appropriate topics such as work, the specific assignment, etcetera.
It’s easier to stick to group settings. If you can, also decline any invitations to meet them outside group settings, for example, to have lunch, do an activity, or even another group activity with their friends. Some people employ very sneaky tactics by inviting you under the guise of a group activity, only to have all their friends “cancel” by the time you show up at the event. Don’t fall into that trap.
Step 4: Make your rejection clear and concise
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that many people lie. If you feel the need to be clear and set boundaries with someone, it’s probably necessary. It’s easy to start doubting yourself, haven’t you misread any signs? It surely would be embarrassing to accuse someone of flirting with you, when they weren’t.
Except… if you think they did, and it made you uncomfortable, they probably did. Most people wouldn’t outright admit they were flirting with you while knowing you are in a relationship. Don’t expect an apology, but also don’t hold yourself back when wanting to reject someone. It’s best to be clear from the start than to have someone else build an idea of you in their head that’s so far from the truth.
If you reject someone, take them apart. If they ask you in person, it’s best if you have the opportunity, to take them apart and reject them in person. When it’s through a message, a reply through the same messaging app will do. In your rejection, tell them that you’re in a relationship and you’re not interested. You don’t have to say anything about wanting to be friends (unlikely), not wanting any awkward situations (no one wants that), or wishing them luck with finding anyone else (infantilizing).
Step 5: Don’t make it awkward
Odds are that you might have to face this person again at group meetings. The best way to deal with this is by pretending it never happened. Keep your distance from them, but don’t avoid them like the plague. Interact with them as usual, stick to short niceties if you bump into each other and most importantly, don’t mention your last convo again. It’s in the past, neither of you was happy with the outcome and it changed nothing.
Question: do you tell your partner?
It’s up to you. If you do decide to tell your partner, here are some tips:
- Emphasize your feelings. Tell your partner how the situation made you uncomfortable and how you handled it.
- Talk about the other person as little as possible. If you emphasize any compliments they might have given you, or how many times this has happened before, it could give your partner the impression that you enjoy being hit on. They could see it as a ploy to make them jealous, which isn’t very beneficial to a healthy relationship.
- Make them feel special. If someone tells you “You can trust me”, what is your first thought? Why should someone trustworthy, have to explicitly tell you? Exactly. Try to avoid any misunderstandings and make your partner feel special. Show them why you have chosen to be with them, and haven’t decided to run away with your coworker.
You can also decide not to tell your partner. That could be the best option for you if:
- Your partner is insecure, it might trigger their anxiety if you told them, even if nothing happened.
- It was very insignificant. Maybe you met someone at a party, they hit on you, and you declined. There’s not much story to tell, so why should you?
- You’re afraid of your partner’s reaction. If you don’t trust your partner will react in a calm, adult way, you might also choose to avoid the confrontation altogether. If this is the case, you might need to evaluate your relationship if you don’t feel safe to talk about certain topics.
- The rejection didn’t go well. If the other person’s response to your rejection didn’t sit well with you, or you feel threatened, it’s best to talk about it with someone you can trust, or you can contact a helpline if you want to talk anonymously or need advice. Your safety and comfort come first.
