What to do when you’re afraid of falling out of love?

Falling in love can be one of your life’s most exhilarating, exciting and terrifying experiences. Countless love songs have been written about the rollercoaster ride of emotions, worries and daydreams you go through when you’re falling in love. Not just crushing, but, irrevocably, falling for someone can feel the most vulnerable and naked ever. When you end up together with that person, sail smoothly through the early stages of dating and finally make the relationship official, everything should be perfect. But why doesn’t it feel like that? Why do you still feel afraid now that you have everything you ever wanted? In this article, I will tell you how to deal with being afraid of falling out of love when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to lose.

Tip 1: Don’t look for triggers

When I was a kid, I could spend hours in my bedroom, listening to sad pop songs about losing a love I had never known. I would look at my reflection in the mirror and imagine being heartbroken. It was almost therapeutic in a way. Of course, none of that is necessary anymore, now that I’m in a happy relationship. Still, when I listen to a good break-up song, I can feel the emotions I used to feel back then. How I thought I’d never meet someone that I could love more than myself and who would love me back.

What I’m trying to say here is the following: don’t look for triggers, don’t try to make yourself crazy. You can spend all night thinking about everything that went wrong in your life and you won’t wake up feeling refreshed and calm. So why should you do that with your relationship? Don’t spend time looking at old pictures, reading texts you should have deleted, or listening to songs that remind you of exes. It’s in the past and it’s no use reminiscing what could have been, or worrying if your current relationship will end like the one you had before. It’s no use and it’s not fair to your partner.

Tip 2: Think positive

I know this is easier said than done. Especially when you’re in a long-distance relationship, you can easily get insecure about not having seen your partner or spoken to them in a while. Maybe their texts are a bit shorter than usual, and you find yourself worrying if they lost interest in you, if they think you’re boring or if they met someone else. In that case, the following things can help:

Look at pictures of you two together. I know it sounds cheesy, but it can ease your mind to look at photos of better times. Notice how they look at you and how you look at them, and trust they don’t have that connection with anyone else.
Receiving love and attention means giving it first sometimes. If you find yourself feeling a bit lonely or sad, you could also send them a short, sweet message or give them a call. It’ll brighten up their day, just like it would brighten up yours.
Think of the next time you see them, and try to think of a small surprise. Maybe it’s a little gift, such as a chocolate bar or a face mask if you know they’ll enjoy these things. Or it could be something simple as a back massage or telling them something funny that happened that week. Just try to keep it positive and uplifting.

Tip 3: Make plans

When you’re in a relationship, it’s always important to plan things together and preferably always have an event weekend or other activity to look forward to together. For example, you can think of the following:

Keep track of your anniversary or anniversaries. Some couples only celebrate the day they first met, but you can also think of the date you were “officially” a couple, an engagement or marriage date, etc.
Plan something for you two together on the holidays. Besides Christmas and New Year’s Eve, you can also think of Easter, Valentine’s Day or non-Christian holidays. You can also spend this time with family and friends but try to have enough time for just the two of you.
If you don’t have many vacation days, you can still plan weekends away. If the distance is an issue, you can think of booking a hotel for one night nearby. It’s still a mini holiday if you don’t stay at home and do different things than you’d normally do during the weekend. It’s an easy way to have a bit of quality time together.
Try to do things that one of you or both of you haven’t done before. It can be hard to think of dates after a certain point, but it’s always fun trying something new. For example, you can try bouldering, taking a dance class or try wine or beer tasting.

Tip 4: Talk about it with someone

Talking about your relationship with other people can feel like gossiping or letting your partner down. It can still be helpful to talk about your worries and thoughts with someone trusted, you just have to choose your words carefully and focus on your own experience and feelings. Sometimes, the relationship doesn’t feel secure because it isn’t, and there may be another root cause of why you’re afraid of falling out of love. Another possibility is that although there’s nothing wrong with your relationship, you’re self-sabotaging because of personal insecurities.

Here are some tips if you want to discuss this with someone close to you:

Focus on your feelings. Maybe your fears of falling out of love have nothing to do with your partner, but everything to do with stress from work, past or recent friendships where you have grown apart, personal insecurities, etcetera.
Try not to gossip. If you feel like your partner has wronged you somehow, it’s best to discuss it with them directly first (if it’s safe for you to do so).
Some people may feel differently about your relationship than you do. Try not to be instantly discouraged by this. Remember how you feel around your partner, do they still make you happy? It’s impossible always to feel content and in love with your partner, no matter how good the relationship is, similar to a friendship or a familiar bond. You’ll be annoyed with each other sometimes, and that’s okay, as long as you make up afterwards.

Tip 5: You’ll survive either way

In the end, there are only two possible outcomes: the relationship ends or lasts forever. Even if the feeling persists and you come to the conclusion that you have fallen out of love, it’s not the end of the world. Neither does your life end when your partner wants to end the relationship. No matter how short or how long the relationship lasted, it will hurt and you will feel like crawling into a hole and disappearing into the core of the earth, but that too will pass.

Still, you should do your best not to worry about that before the time comes. You’ll drive yourself crazy about thinking of all possible endings when you just started a good, beautiful thing. No one can look into the future, and no one can guarantee you two will always stay together. Just try to enjoy the time you have together, and be grateful for the love you feel now and the future you both imagine at this moment.

In summary

In summary, don’t look for triggers or smoke signals that aren’t there. It won’t make you happier to think of all things that could possibly go wrong. Try to stay positive and if you need a bit of a pick-me-up, think of happy memories or look for ways to surprise your partner. Make sure to plan ahead, so you always have fun things to look forward to. If you’re very worried, you can talk to someone close to you, but focus on your feelings and not your partner’s feelings or actions. You are only responsible for yourself. And finally, no matter how much or less you worry, the future will happen anyway. No one can look into the future, so it’s best to enjoy the time you have now.

Featured photo by Valeriia Miller on Unsplash