How to date when you’re not interested in a casual relationship?
Dating is hard enough, but what if you’re looking for a serious relationship? It can be difficult enough to navigate dating apps, first dates and texting etiquette, but it’s even more complicated when there’s a seemingly endless sea of people looking for one-night-stands, hookups, friends with benefits (FWB), polyamorous people (if you aren’t into that) or people in relationships who are outright cheating. In this article, I will share from experience what to look out for and what to avoid, with practical advice and tips.
Tip 1: Know what you’re looking for
It may seem like an open door, but it’s always important to think of what you want your ideal relationship to be. The only way you’ll find out if someone is your match is by knowing what you find important in a partner and what you value. Below is a list of questions you can ask yourself:
- Do you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship?
- What does your social life look like, and do you prefer it if your partner has a similar social life? For example: if you have strong family connections, do you need your partner to also be close to their family?
- What is your position on the political spectrum? It’s a bit unrealistic to expect your partner to have the exact same political views as you, but usually, you won’t match well with people who are your polar opposite. Do you have certain (political) dealbreakers?
- How do you picture the (far) future? Do you eventually want to move in together, and/or marry, and/or have children? Where do you want to live in the future, are you ambitious and want your partner to value their career as well or does that not matter?
It’s common advice to not be too critical, to not list too many dealbreakers beforehand, to keep an open mind, etcetera. I disagree. I think that if you want a serious relationship, it’s inevitable that you’ll have some (or a lot!) failed matches on the way. It’s fine, that’s life. It doesn’t mean that you have to drop all your standards, though. The truth is that most people won’t be a good match for you, and by using your filters the right way, you’ll prevent making dating connections that won’t lead anywhere.
Note that the questions above don’t mention looks or other physical attributes, salary or clothing style. In my experience, it doesn’t matter what job someone has or what hairstyle they have. It’s about what’s below the surface: are they ambitious? Do they want to get better at their job or do they not care? Do they value themselves, do they want to dress appropriately for the occasion or do they not put in effort in those things?
Tip 2: Try to find out what they’re looking for…
But how do you find out what someone is looking for? Some dating apps already have a text field where you can choose what your preference is: Looking for a serious relationship, looking for something casual or Don’t know/unsure. In that case, it seems easy to filter out what to do… or is it? I’ve read a lot of dating advice online, and here’s what my conclusions are:
- Looking for a serious relationship: Some people noted it can look desperate. They think it creates the impression that you have a set goal in your mind and don’t actually care about who the other person is. Is it a red flag? In my opinion, it doesn’t have to be. Truth is, if the other person is truly desperate for a relationship, you’ll find out soon enough. Either way, I think it’s nice that they’re honest from the get-go what they’re interested in. This doesn’t mean that they’re automatically not open to a casual relationship, though, but more on that later.
- Looking for something casual: This one is clear enough. People that have this listed on their profile, definitely aren’t looking for a serious relationship. Don’t kid yourself, maybe they’ll meet someone that rocks their world and they want to tie them down, but the odds are small. My advice is to avoid matching with people who have this listed on their profile.
- Don’t know / unsure: What about people who are very honest about, well, not knowing what they want? From personal experience, I would advise you to treat these people similarly to people who are only looking for casual relationships. When you are sure of what you want, you don’t have to spend time trying to convince someone else that what they want, is the same thing. Let them figure that out in their own time. And of course, there’s also the people who try to have their cake and eat it too: they’re not opposed to a casual relationship, and open to a serious relationship with the right person. You don’t need to waste time trying to convince them to put you in one category when they already demoted you to the other. Next!
- Unlisted: There are always people who prefer not to say this on their profile outright. Isn’t this the same as people saying “I don’t know”? Not in my opinion. Some people might prefer not to say so, because they fear looking desperate, because they have a very specific idea for a relationship, because it depends on meeting the person in real life, maybe because they are just cautious, etcetera. It can mean anything and gives off a very different impression than the “Don’t know” folks do.
Tip 3: … but remember that some people lie
I know I know… people that lie on dating apps? On first dates? Really? Yes, unfortunately, people do lie. People lie about having a job when they have spent their days watching Netflix for the past four months, people lie about enjoying hiking and mountain climbing and kayaking, and… people lie about their true intentions.
Probably everyone has heard of the terms ghosting (when you simply stop replying to someone’s messages outright, without any explanation or goodbye), bread-crumbing (when you send very short, meaningless messages, so you can’t be accused of ghosting, but still giving someone nothing) and orbiting (when you are essentially ghosted but someone keeps in contact through social media by stalking your accounts and liking your posts). What do these practices all have in common? The people that use them, aren’t truthful. They don’t simply reject their date, they don’t explain themselves, they don’t cut the cord.
But why would someone do that? Really, it doesn’t matter but it can be for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re cowards and afraid of confrontation (some people did really have bad experiences, but that doesn’t mean you can just stop replying to someone one day after you’ve been on three dates with them). Maybe they like to keep you around as a last resort but don’t want to put any effort into it or maybe they genuinely forgot about replying (slim chance).
Either way, what I often encountered when I was dating, was the following:
- They want a serious relationship with someone, eventually. Just not with you.
- They still want to keep you around, for company, sex, friendship, attention, whatever.
- They don’t want to put too much effort in.
This is far from appealing when you’re looking for a genuine connection. This all trails back to the first question, what do you want? If you want something low-key, it’s all good, but I doubt this is what you want when you’re looking for a serious relationship. Just remember that if someone puts you on the back burner, you’re under no obligation to stay there. Value yourself and your time.
Tip 4: Keep your hopes up!
I know how difficult and endless the journey sometimes seems. Dating can be exhausting, meeting new people on every first date, and having the same small talk conversations over and over. Don’t despair though, one day it will happen for you (cliche, I know). In the meantime, if dating isn’t that much fun anymore, just take a break! There are no gaps in resumes in dating, you can always choose yourself. The right person will come around and won’t mind, I promise.
