How you can decide not to be ghosted, ever
We’ve all been there: you’re texting with someone, the conversation is fun, you send a response, and suddenly, radio silence. An hour goes by, two hours, a day… how long will it last? You’re telling yourself it’s not that big of a deal, that you’re not going to check your phone every second yet you never lose your phone out of sight, immediately jumping up when you (think you) hear your phone buzz.
So, here’s the tea
There are a lot of ways to start here, but first things first, you’re not being ghosted in the following situations:
- You’re chatting on a dating app or texting and you’ve never met the person in real life. If this is the case, this is not ghosting because you don’t owe the other person anything, and neither do you. Maybe they are busy with life, maybe they met someone else, maybe they accidentally deleted the app or your number, who cares? You don’t know this person. Next.
- Someone did send you a message but it’s not more than ‘haha’ or another short phrase. Technically this is a response. Evaluate your own messages: were you asking questions, actively responding to the other person, or keeping up a lively conversation? If the answer is ‘no’, that’s probably the reasoning behind this dry message.
- You know this person in real life and you’ll meet the day after today or soon at work, school, family gatherings, etcetera. Why doesn’t this count as ghosting? You’ll meet the person soon enough anyway! If there’s something important to say, you can do so in person. No biggie. Stop stressing.
This article specifically applies to the situation where you met someone through dating, have been texting for a while, and suddenly, the other person stops responding to your text(s).
Okay, the last message has been … hours, … days ago. What now?
Don’t double-text. It’s that simple. You never double-text, unless it’s a life-threatening situation, in which case you could probably better call the person you’re trying to reach.
Secondly, put your phone away. No really, turn notifications off, activate ‘Do not disturb’, and then put it away. Take a deep breath. Don’t look up on Google how long internet strangers say is acceptable to wait for a message that doesn’t seem to come any time soon. Don’t believe the same internet strangers when they say it’s never coming and you should just give up. Why believe this internet stranger? Because this one will tell you how you’ll never get ghosted.
So where to start?
Think of the last conversation you had in real life, whether it was with a friend, a family member, a coworker, the cashier at the grocery store, or anyone. Do you remember who said what, at what moment? Can you count the number of sentences you or the other person spoke during the conversation? Can you recall who said something last?
The answer is probably: no. Because it doesn’t matter. There’s contact, there’s a conversation, the convo goes back and forth, whether it takes two hours or two minutes, and that’s that.
Then why does this feel so differently during texting?
Texting is passive, distant, and without non-verbal clues. Texting is easy to put off, to delay, to overthink, and to get bored of. At the same time, when we date, texting seems to be the most important thing ever. It’s a sign that someone is thinking of us during the day, we can find out more about the other person, we can measure if they like our sense of humour, and we use it to gauge the other person’s interest in us. None of that is true.
If you’re being honest with yourself, do you text your friends every day? Your family, if you’re close to them? The answer is probably ‘no’. How often do you spend time worrying whether they still like you, whether they still want to see you, or anything like that? Probably not that often if you see them regularly. You know that when you hit them up, they will respond. You don’t feel like having a running, day-to-day conversation with them because that’s just as exhausting as it sounds and there won’t be anything left to talk about when you do finally up.
The truth
Catch my drift here? Weirdly, we place such different expectations and requirements on texting when it’s with a date than when we text with a friend or a family member. The truth is, everyone is busy. Being busy is not an excuse for being inconsiderate or rude, but sometimes, life gets in the way. Texting will then find itself on the bottom of your priority list, where it should be.
How can I decide to never be ghosted?
We’ve probably all heard it a million times, communication is a two-way street. Sender, receiver, all that. With ghosting, there’s the implication that there’s one person happily ignoring a string of messages and another person desperately sitting by their phone, waiting for a response that’s never going to come. How to prevent this situation? Be neither of these people.
Think back to the last real-life conversation you had. What if you had said ‘hi’ to the other person and they wouldn’t respond? Would you say ‘hi’ again? Would you wave your hand in their face? Would you say ‘hi’ ten times just to see if it causes a reaction? No, of course not, because that would just be weird.
Now, the next question. Would you just stand there and wait for the person to respond? Or would you shake your head in disbelief, walk away and continue life? Then there’s your answer.
Sending the last message isn’t defeat. Playing games by spacing out your responses, and purposefully delaying your messages, won’t help you. Maybe the other person is a better player at the exact game you’re doing and lets you wait twice as long, what then?
To never be ghosted again, you have to simply choose not to be the ghostee. You said what you wanted to say, and when there’s no response, you move on. There’s nothing lost there because there was nothing given in the first place. You can’t lose “the game” if you choose to walk away from it. You’re choosing yourself.
What if they text back?
Read their response, or not. Decide to answer right away, or think first. Whatever you do, don’t try to get even or guilt-trip them or play games. If you don’t like them anymore, end it. If you do, give it another chance, but don’t get your hopes up too soon. Maybe they try to leave you on read again. And if they do, you’ll have your answer about what to do next anyway.
Featured image by Natasha Hall on Unsplash
