Who should pay the bill on a date? - Overthinker's Black Book

It’s often a very telling moment during a date: when the bill arrives. Who reaches for it first, and who has their card ready? Most people have a strong preference, they either prefer paying themselves, that the other person pays, or that the bill is split. But what is the easiest way to navigate this, and what to do if it gets awkward during or after the date? In this article, I will guide you through.

First things first: always be prepared to pay

Before the start of your date, you should always make sure you’re prepared to pay. Check if you have enough money to pay for your date and ensure you bring your card (or can pay with your phone). Even if you’re traditional and/or prefer the other person to pay, it’s always best to be prepared.

What is your preference?

There are multiple ways to handle paying on a date:

One person pays for both people on the date
Both people pay for their own drinks/food
Both people split the total costs and each pays half
One person pays for both people and sends a payment request

There is no right or wrong in this, but most people do know what they prefer. Usually, your preference may also change depending on the circumstances. For example:

If the date is an activity, followed by dinner, you can both decide that one person pays for the activity, and the other for dinner.
If one person has to pay a considerably higher amount than the other person, you can both de to pay for your own drinks and food instead of splitting the amount.
If it’s very clear at the end of the date, that there is no romantic connection, you can each decide to pay for your own food and drinks and leave it at that.
If you’ve been dating this person for a while now, you can both decide to alternate paying for the entire date or dinner.
If you date multiple people at once, you may have your own rules regarding who pays the bill.

How should you communicate your preference?

This can be tricky. In general, you should avoid talking abey during your date or during dinner. It can make a rude or disinterested impression as if you are ready to leave any moment. Here are some ways you can bring this up before the bill arrives:

If you’re very traditional (eg man pays for the entire date), you can already communicate that during the date planning. For example, you prefer to be taken out to dinner, you dress up nicely for the date and you’ve been clear on what you’re looking for in a partner/date.
If you’re on the date and you feel things are going well, you can spontaneously ask if your date wants to grab a drink or say “It’s on me”. You can use any wording you like, just make sure that your date knows it’s an invitation.

What to do when the bill arrives?

First of all, don’t panic! It’s usually less of a bigger deal than it seems. Now, I prefer not to have this debate when the waiter is standing right next to the table. Wait until they have left, and then turn to your date.

Now, one of the following scenarios can happen:

Your date reaches for their wallet and offers to pay
Your date looks at you and asks “Do you have this?” or “ look back
Your doesn’t make a move and just looks back at you

Depending on your preferred outcome, here’s what you can do.

You want to pay: either you are the only one who reaches for the bill, or your date also does this. If you want to pay, just smile and say “I want to pay for this”. If your date declines and insists they pay, you have two options. Either you agree wit or you insist on paying yourself. It really doesn’t matter that much which one you choose, just remember to smile and keep your tone light.
You want your date to pay: Obviously, if your date offers to pay, it’s all good. But what if they ask if you want to pay or split, or don’t say anything at all? Usually, it’s considered bad etiquette to outright ask someone else to pay for you. Your best options are to offer to split or to offer to pay the whole bill yourself. It’s understandable if you’re a bit disappointed if you’re date doesn’t offer, but you can wonder about that later.
You want to split: splitting can be tricky. It seems like the most obvious choice, but it can also come across as frugal or overly friendly instead of romantic. Splitting is the most inoffensive option, but again, tone and expression are everything. Some people interpret splitting as a rejection, but you don’t have to make it. It’s all about what you follow up with, for example, a future date plan, thanking them for the nice evening, etcetera.

What to do if it gets awkward?

If the moment doesn’t seem to end and neither of you seems to agree, it’s easiest to go with the simplest choice: split the bill. Other people can have their preferences as well and sometimes you misunderstand each other. It’s no big deal unless you make it one.

If you’re disappointed in your date for not offering to pay or sending you a payment request afterwards, you can save that for after the date. Evaluate the date in your own time, and then decide if you want to continue dating them or not. My final piece of advice: don’t message them about this, save the texting for planning next dates.

Featured image by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash