Should you date multiple people at once?

It’s a debate as old as time: date multiple people at once. Is it best to stick to one person at a time, or should you have three, four, or maybe five people in rotation? In this article, I will list the pros and cons of dating multiple people at once.

Pro: You keep your options open

When you date multiple people at once, you create more possibilities to fall in love. First dates and second dates often don’t lead to anything more, so why limit yourself right out of the gate? If you use a dating app, it’s easier than ever to just swipe some interesting prospects and plan a date. And it doesn’t have to interfere with any real-life date proposals that might come your way.

Pro: You don’t get too attached early to one person

If you date multiple people, you force yourself to stay open to meeting new people. It’s easier to fall into the trap of getting attached too soon to someone when you’re only focused on them. If you had a great first date with person A, you can still look forward to another first date with person B. If you have plans with someone else, it gives you less time to worry about either of them. Whatever happens, happens.

Con: It’s time-consuming

A big downside of dating multiple people is that it’s time-consuming, and (if you don’t “forget” your wallet each time), quite expensive (depending on who pays the bill, of course). Usually, dates are planned in the evening or the weekends, but what if you also have to juggle your friends, family, hobbies, and housework? If you date three people at once, who all want to see you once a week, how will you have time left for anything else?

Con: You have to divide your attention

Even if you’re a good planner and listener, it can be difficult to divide your attention between multiple people at once. Do you still remember if your date was a middle child, or had two older brothers? Where their family lives, or if they always wanted to travel to Australia/Iceland/Mexico?

A side effect can be that you grow tired of dating. Having to remember all these details, text in between dates, and think of interesting subjects to talk about (without feeling like you’re having the same conversation eight times in a row) can quickly become exhausting. If you find yourself growing tired of dating, it might be a sign that you have a bit too much on your plate.

Should you tell the people you’re dating?

There are multiple sides to this question. First things first, would you want to know if the person you’re dating, is dating others at the same time? For me, the answer would be no. I would find it a bit tacky if someone opened their agenda and listed all their upcoming dates. It would feel like I’m just one of many, lined up for them.

Maybe you have a different opinion about this, which is fine! The thing is, that dating often doesn’t happen linearly. There are no fixed phases, a progress bar that fills every time you meet. The one thing you should (in my opinion) keep in mind is:

• Am I comfortable with my decision of telling/not telling my date about this?
• Do I still feel like we are on the same page, regarding what we want out of this?

This leads us to the second question:

When do you stop dating others and stick to one person?

Again, there is no clear answer to this question. In my opinion, it’s the same as the first question, namely: are you (still ) comfortable with dating multiple people at once, and do you feel like you and your date are on the same page?

If the dates continue to go well and you reach new depths in your conversations and interactions, you might feel a sudden discomfort with seeing other people. That could be a sign that the time is right to stop dating others or to have a talk about exclusivity.

You can decide to stop seeing others on your own accord or have a conversation about it with the other person first. Some advise to not stop seeing others before the ‘exclusivity’ talk in which you both agree to exclusively date each other. I don’t believe in that. Dating is not a prisoner’s dilemma, in which you inherently don’t trust each other and need to “stay one step ahead of the other”. If you feel discomfort, just quit. You’re not missing out on much if you were already in doubt about your other dates.

And what do you do, if your date doesn’t agree with exclusivity? Again, that’s up to you. Maybe you feel uncomfortable continuing to date them because it’s clear you were both not on the same page. Or maybe you feel like giving them a grace period, for them to figure out what they want. Just remember that their decision-making doesn’t have to influence yours. It may sound like a cliche, but often it’s true: if they wanted to, they would.

Featured image by Mika Baumeister on Unsplash