How to set boundaries with your partner - Overthinker's Black Book

Boundaries in a relationship, what are they, when are they reasonable and how do you discuss them with your partner? What do you do if you both disagree about a certain boundary, for example concerning planning a vacation together? In this article, I will give practical advice on how to deal with these questions regarding boundaries in a relationship.

What are boundaries?

A boundary is commonly described as “the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour” (source). Important features of boundaries are:

They are personal. Every person can have their boundaries, there are no universal rules.
Because they are personal, they’re non-negotiable. A boundary isn’t a suggestion or a preference, crossing them is unacceptable.

So, why are boundaries important in relationships? First of all, everyone has boundaries. There are common boundaries, such as a no-cheating rule in monogamous relationships (although, what constitutes cheating can be disputed, is flirting cheating, sending a suggestive text, or agreeing to meet up with someone one-on-one?). Then some boundaries are less common and more personal to the person who upholds them.

Second of all, boundaries are important because they matter to you. If you have certain firm boundaries, you value your partner respecting those boundaries. Likewise, your partner can show their commitment and respect for your boundaries, by not crossing that line.

How do you decide a boundary is reasonable?

What’s most important is, is that a boundary is something personal, something that you find unacceptable. You can’t dictate other people’s behaviour, and you shouldn’t want to. A question I’ve been asked more than once on a date was: “Would you accept if I…” or “So I can’t do X any more if we’re together…”. My answer was always: “You can do anything you want, but you’ll have to accept that you’ll have to do some things without me”.

Of course, it’s important to note that a boundary is unreasonable when you’re unwilling to uphold it yourself. There are exceptions to this rule for very specific preferences, but in general, if for example, you want your partner to take care of themselves and keep their house generally clean, it’s only logical that you hold yourself to the same standard.

Some boundaries may feel too restrictive to your partner. In that case, how do you decide if your boundary is reasonable or not? Try to answer the following questions critically, and see if your view on the boundary changes:

Do you have any specific reason (maybe an event in the past) to have this boundary?
Does crossing the boundary clash with your values and morals?
If your friend was in a similar situation, what would you advise them?
Can you hold yourself to the standard the boundary states?

What to do if your partner crosses a boundary?

No matter how good your relationship is, there will be inevitable moments when your partner crosses one of your boundaries. How can you deal with these moments and overcome them together?

Everyone makes mistakes

Firstly, try to remember that if this happens once, it doesn’t mean that your partner had any malicious intentions. Mistakes happen, and you will probably cross one of their boundaries in the future sometimes too. Keep this in mind when you address this.

Tell them about it.

The use of the verb ‘tell’ here, is on purpose. Why?

You shouldn’t ‘confront’ your partner like you want to catch them in a lie.
Similarly, you don’t need to ‘ask’ about it when you already know the answer. It comes across as passive-aggressive and unnecessary.
You don’t ignore the issue either. It already bothers you, and your partner will notice something’s on your mind.

How should you tell them about it?

Try to respond timely when the boundary is crossed, preferably as soon as possible. It’s no use bringing up the subject when a week has passed, it may seem like you’re holding grudges and your partner might have genuinely forgotten what happened.
Be clear and concise. It’s popular these days to research love languages, attachment theory, personality types, etcetera, but stuffing your message won’t help you. Try to say what’s bothered you exactly. For example: you and your partner planned a date night, and your partner texts you that they will be a few hours later because they double booked their agenda. The issue isn’t that they’re an avoidant, or that they forgot your love language is ‘quality time’. The issue is that they disrespected your time (letting you wait for 2 hours). They weren’t considerate to you as their partner, and you’re justified in being disappointed by that.
Don’t let it escalate. Crossing a boundary can happen, but it shouldn’t result in a fight. If your partner either doesn’t understand your message or misreads your text, it’s important to not keep repeating yourself or letting tensions rise too high. If necessary, take a short break and resume contact with a different method (move from texting to a phone call, or vice versa).

Forgive, and try to forget

If the matter’s talked through and your partner has offered their apologies, it’s important to try to let go. It happened, and if you’ve thoroughly discussed it, chances are slim it will happen again in the same way. Try to forgive your partner and don’t mention it anymore. One unfortunate action isn’t something that can be used as a weapon in future fights, or as a tit-for-tat situation.

Even if you were genuinely hurt by their actions, try to remember that they probably didn’t intend to hurt you. If you’ve been open about your feelings to them, you can count on them to refrain from doing the same in the future. That will only strengthen your relationship.

In summary

It’s normal to have boundaries, and important to know what they are! In a relationship, chances are that either of you will at some point cross a boundary of the other person. When that happens, make sure to calmly talk about, and express your feelings and when everything’s talked through, forgive and move on. No one is perfect, and neither will your relationship be, but overcoming these difficult moments will only strengthen you both.

Featured image by Anika Huizinga on Unsplash