How to be more kind to yourself and others

As an overthinker, it can be tempting to overthink your actions and those of others continuously. I have read the advice many times to be more kind to yourself, but how does that work exactly? How do you practice kindness? In this article, I will give practical advice on how to be more kind to yourself and others.

Acknowledge the good things you do

When I talked to a therapist once, they said that I might have low self-esteem. My first thought was: why? Me? I don’t have low self-esteem! I can say no to people, I don’t cry myself to sleep every night, and I can be a bit arrogant. I didn’t recognize this at all. Later on, I realized that it may have shown itself in different ways. I was always afraid to celebrate my goals and to be proud of what I did right. I feared something might have been wrong with it after all, or I would wrongly take credit for something that others helped me with, or I couldn’t be happy for too long before something bad would happen. Looking back, I know that wasn’t true at all, but back then it felt very real. 

What do I mean by this anecdote? If you were a bit like me, and found it difficult to be proud of yourself and things you did well, this tip might help you too. Whenever you do something right, such as receiving positive feedback on a school or work assignment, helping someone on the street, or texting someone who you know is going through a lot, take a moment and compliment yourself. You can do it quietly, of course, and in the beginning, it will feel weird, but you’ll get used to it. 

Especially when no one else sees it, you must acknowledge your actions. It doesn’t matter if no one else knows, you don’t do good to be seen as a hero. You do good because it’s important, and it should make you feel better about yourself. Focus more on the positive, there is no such thing as some sort of reverse karma punishment for feeling too positive about yourself (like I used to believe). It’s okay to be proud when you do something well.

Immediately recognize when you make a mistake

We all make mistakes, it’s a fact. Yet I always had a difficult time accepting that, and whenever I did something very wrong, I made it a huge point to apologize to everyone and then slept badly for weeks afterwards. No matter how often I told myself that it was okay, that everyone makes mistakes, and how hard I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind, it never worked. I felt ashamed and stupid and dumb. Nothing would help, until I eventually made another mistake and forgot about the one before that.

My advice? As soon as the mistake happens, or something goes wrong, acknowledge it! Say it, out loud or quiet in your mind, for example: “I sent that e-mail without changing the greetings line. I should have checked the greetings line before hitting SEND.” Then fix your mistake. This may seem contrary, because why should you put even more emphasis on something you did wrong?

For me, this helped because I wasn’t trying to push the thought away or suppress my feelings. I did something wrong, and I made it very clear to myself. That way, I don’t have to think about it for the next few weeks, and it can leave my mind. I realize I made a mistake, I tell myself and figure out a solution, I fix the mistake and it’s done. It’s over, there’s no more rehashing what went wrong, how I can prevent it, etcetera. 

As I learned the hard way, there is no method to prevent thinking of something permanently. In my case, if I try to avoid worrying and thinking about something during the day, my brain will haunt me with it in my sleep (internal link to lucid dreaming).

Give compliments — and accept them from others!

Compliments are a great way to give someone credit and show them you noticed their actions. To practice more kindness, an easy way you can start is by giving compliments. There are many unwritten rules about compliments, but here are some tips to stay on the safe side:

• Especially in the workplace, it can be safest to stick with giving compliments to people of the same gender. No matter what your intentions are, some people can misunderstand your compliment and feel uncomfortable with it.
• Try to stick to compliments on actions. It’s easier to say “You did well on that test!” instead of “I like your hair today”. The former is very clear and less likely to be perceived as a flirt or harassment. 
• Keep your compliments brief. You can easily compliment someone when you first enter the room, or when you meet them at the coffee machine. Try to change the subject quickly afterwards or resume your other activities. People will hear you the first time, and it’s fine if they just respond with “thanks”.

Apart from giving compliments, it’s also important to remember that you should also accept compliments! Accepting compliments is something a lot of people struggle with. If you pay attention to it, you’ll notice how many people brush off a compliment (“Actually, two other people helped me with that”), downplay their performance (“It wasn’t that hard to do”) or dismiss it altogether(“Oh, there’s no need for that”). 

When you receive a compliment, it’s important to remember that you can just accept it. You don’t have to give an explanation, give credit to others when they’re not named in the compliment, or act modestly by dismissing it. You can just say “thank you”. It’s that simple. If the other person wants any further explanation, they will ask for it.

Forgive others for their mistakes

When I was younger, I was much harsher on myself and consequently, on others. I couldn’t accept it when I made a mistake and beat myself up about it for weeks afterwards. But when someone else wronged me, I couldn’t let it go either. Trust was broken, and I was certain it couldn’t ever be regained. As I get older, I realize that living that way is simply not sustainable. Everyone you love will disappoint you one day, and you can’t cut everyone out of your life. 

How to deal with this? 

• Focus on intent. Sometimes, people genuinely make a stupid mistake because they act in haste, don’t pay attention for a moment, or forget something. It happens, and it happens to you too. How long do you plan on staying mad about it? Let it go. 
• If someone does make a mistake that hurts your feelings, it’s important to let them know. When you hide your emotions and then get mad about people not understanding why you’re distant from them, you can’t expect them to know what’s going on. 

In summary

I have found that when you’re more kind to others, you’re also more kind to yourself and vice versa. You can do that by practising acknowledging when you do things well, recognizing when you make a mistake, giving and accepting compliments and finally, forgiving others when they make a mistake. 

Featured image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash