Why are the people that aren’t my type interested in me?

When you are actively dating, it’s always a challenge to find the right match. Although some people have trouble getting matches at all, others may experience the opposite problem: the people that are interested in them, aren’t their type or what they’re looking for. In this article, I will share five possible reasons why you’re not into the people that are interested in you, and what you can do about it.

Reason 1: They only look at the surface

Say you meet someone new at a party. They seem nice to talk to, and you have a brief chat in which you both exchange pleasantries. You think it was just a friendly conversation, but at the end of the night, they ask for your number or send you a PM on social media asking you out. What just happened?

I admit, it is flattering. But it can be very confusing if you only spoke to someone for a short time, in what you thought was a friendly manner. The short answer is: They don’t care about more than your looks. If you only had a short, shallow conversation, there is no way that they know who you are as a person. Sure, they can want to get to know you better, but that is unlikely to be their intention if they invite you to have drinks at their place after the event.

The signs to look out for if you suspect someone only cares about the surface:

You haven’t spoken to them for a long time (or at all) and the conversation remained shallow.
They are very blunt in their approach.
They want to get you alone (get drinks, go to their place, etc.).

How should you deal with this?

Take your time. You don’t have to respond immediately, and if you feel pressured, it’s most likely for a good reason.
Don’t agree with anything you don’t want to do. You’re not obliged to give them your number or agree to go on a date when you don’t want to. Keep your personal details private as much as possible (don’t share your last name or address) in case things go awry and be prepared to leave. I know it sucks, but some people will not let things go.
Don’t take it personally. Just because one person only cares about looks and doesn’t want to take the time to get to know you, doesn’t mean that everyone will act that way.

Reason 2: They’re desperate

In my experience, this is an unfortunate occurrence at singles events, Meetups and other events. Some single, mostly guys, only attend the activities to hunt for their next date or girlfriend and don’t care about the activity itself or making friends. These people also have no interest in getting to know you, they want to girlfriend-zone you when you meet their minimal criteria (usually physical attraction, decent conversation skills and must be a girl). There’s nothing flattering about being hit on by someone desperate, and in most cases, you’ll want to avoid these people.

How do you recognize desperate people?

They immediately talk about dating (failures), (their lack of) relationships and how long they have been single.
They make the conversation seem like an interview. Do you also do sports, do you like the same movies as them?
If you say you’re not single, they immediately lose interest in talking to you.

My tips on how to deal with desperate people:

Try to steer the conversation clear of topics you don’t want to talk about with them, such as dating or relationships. For example: “Okay, I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually! Have you ever hiked here before?” or similar.
Don’t hesitate to reject them outright, by mentioning you’re not single or not interested in dating. If they act insulted and say they weren’t hitting on you, ignore them. In my experience, 99% of the time, they were and they just hate that you called them out so soon.
Have an escape plan ready. I’ve been to events where I’ve been stuck with someone who wouldn’t stop talking to me. Don’t be like me, and create space by moving away from them. You can say: “Excuse me, I see someone I know” or “It was nice to meet you, I think I’ll go talk to someone else now”. If they move with you, which unfortunately does happen, make sure to focus your attention on the other person. If all fails, you can always disappear to the bathroom (if they are of the opposite gender).

Reason 3: You’re more alike than you think

If you can’t understand why all these people hit on you who you seemingly have nothing in common with, it may be that you two are more alike than you think. On certain internet forums, people (mainly women) are accused of “being too picky” and only being interested in people who are too good-looking for them. I think that’s not true. Physical attraction does matter in a relationship, and it would be foolish to completely ignore that.

At the same time, there are many more factors to if you like someone, other than physical attraction. The other person may not be your type looks-wise, but maybe you have a similar personality or interests. This can also have to do with lifestyle. You can have a personal preference for very active, sporty people, but if you are more of a couch potato yourself (nothing wrong with that!), it can be obvious why other fellow couch potatoes fancy you.

Questions you could ask yourself are:

Do the people that were interested in me and weren’t my type, have anything in common?
What is my type? How would I describe that person?
How much do you have in common with your type?

Reason 4: You act more comfortable around them

There might be a very innocent reason at play here. Maybe the people that you aren’t attracted to, notice a relaxed, comfortable vibe while talking to you. Maybe you are more friendly and outgoing to them and they notice the difference when you talk with others that aren’t them. It’s sometimes confusing to see the difference between a good friendship and the grounds of a romantic relationship.

What can you look out for?

Do you talk about a lot of personal subjects with this person? Some people are generally closed off to others and find it very intimate to talk with others about their feelings. They may misinterpret your openness as a romantic interest.
Do they act differently with you than with others? This may also work the other way around, where they notice that you act differently around them than with others.
Do they misinterpret your proposals for friendly outings, and try to turn them into dates? A very common difference between male and female friendships is that men tend to stick to activities, often in groups, while women bond over talking about more personal subjects, more in one-on-one settings. This may lead to misunderstandings when planning activities or things to do together.

How should you deal with this?

Be very clear about the friendship. Don’t use confusing terms, such as partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, and don’t call your hangouts dates. You can mention it when dating others, but this might not deter persistent people.
If the line gets blurry or things get a bit uncomfortable, stick to just group outings for a while. There’s no mistaking signals there. Group settings are the exact opposite of an intimate and romantic atmosphere, and that’s exactly your intention.
Be blunt. Sometimes, people choose to ignore very clear signals because they have a certain idea or image in their head. If all else fails, you can always just be clear with them. It may cost you the friendship, but you should wonder how much it was worth anyway in that case.

Reason 5: You’re misinterpreting them

Finally, there’s always the possibility that you’re misinterpreting the signals other people give off. Maybe the guy you had a friendly chat with in the bakery store, just wanted to talk to someone and has a girlfriend. Or the friendly receptionist at your office just smiles at everyone and isn’t interested in you specifically at all.

Now, this may seem contrary to what I’ve written before about standing your ground when others act insulted when you say you’re not interested in them (because they want to gaslight you into thinking they weren’t hitting on you at all). But there are some rare cases where this might be the reason behind the mismatch between the people who like you and the people you like.

What can you look out for?

They treat you the exact same way as they treat others. Extroverted, enthusiastic people can often have their behaviours misunderstood. They talk easily with anyone, and their natural charm may make it seem like they are interested in you specifically although that isn’t their intention.
There’s no “call to action”. If you have a nice chat with someone waiting in line at the grocery store and they don’t ask for your number, odds are high that it was just that, a nice chat. Some people like talking to strangers or meeting new people, but want to just part like strangers. If they don’t ask for your number or ask you out, they may just want to talk to you that once.
When you say you’re single, they act the same way. Maybe they even seem a bit relieved. People that were pigeon-holing you into their next girlfriend, would be long gone by then. People that were genuinely interested in a friendly conversation with you, won’t care at all if you’re in a relationship or not.

In summary

There can be multiple reasons why the people interested in you, aren’t your type. Remember that dating should be fun, and there’s no use dating someone that you’re not interested in. Try to prevent giving others false hope and stay true to yourself.

Featured image by Anthony Tran on Unsplash